I’ve been mostly silent for the past two weeks. I’ve been traveling, heavily focused on treatment, and even started transitioning back into work.
This past weekend I was in Utah for the annual Affirmation conference. Affirmation is a support organization for LGBTQ+ Mormons. I’ve been involved on the leadership team and even chaired this conference in the past. I have many dear friends I’ve made through my involvement and I wouldn’t miss the opportunity to meet up with all of them, even if it meant slogging through some OCD crap.
As I’ve mentioned in the past, travel has been particularly difficult. My trip over the Holidays to London took me 18+ cumulative hours to pack and prepare for. Then whilst (see what I did there😉) I was in London I struggled with a major upswing in obsessive-compulsive behaviors. I brought home a ton of OCD baggage and literally did not completely unpack my baggage (both emotional and actual baggage) until about two weeks ago. That’s six months to completely unpack my bags!
There are a few reasons travel has been difficult. First, it interrupts my OCD routines and rituals. Some of those rituals are difficult to take across the world with me. Second, there is risk in traveling that my OCD has difficulty tolerating. At home my OCD knows where I can go to get the things it needs to function. But in other parts of the world stores, supplies, and foods are all different from what my OCD is used to. Will I be able to get cleaning wipes that allow me to clean my hands the way OCD wants me to? Will I be able to get the foods OCD wants me to eat? I also have a pattern of picking up new OCD baggage on trips. Almost every trip over the last three years I’ve come home with either a new obsession or a new or solidified compulsive behavior. Lastly, I think that the safety learning that I’ve accomplished so far in therapy is relatively confined to my everyday environment (my apartment, my neighborhood, and my city). It hasn’t yet been universally learned and doesn’t necessarily apply in new places like Utah (if that makes any sense).
So, this trip to Utah I was a little nervous, even though I’ve done a lot of work on OCD in the last few months and made a lot of progress. I’m happy to say that packing wasn’t nearly as strenuous. It only took me about two hours. Getting out of the house to the airport was a little tricky though. There were a handful of triggers as I was trying to leave and I couldn’t get the hand cleaning ritual “right.” This added approximately 45 minutes and I ended up getting to my gate at the airport about ten minutes before they closed it.
Once in Utah I was still a little on edge and there were several OCD triggers encountered. Because I was out at the conference and visiting friends for most of the day without the ability to ritualize, there was a surge of compulsive activity in the evenings when I got back to the friend’s house where I was staying. But, I think just being able to travel in the first place was a win so I wasn’t too discouraged.
While in Utah I was able to open up to a couple friends about my OCD struggles. I had a really deep and meaningful conversation with one of my college roommates. His wife has battled eating disorders for 15+ years of marriage and it was interesting to compare experiences. I found his experience with his wife to be very similar to my own experience. She is very much engaged in compulsive behaviors that bring her relief from anxiety and allow her to feel in control. Is what we experience really that different from any other person with addictive or compulsive tendencies? We talked about struggles with insurance, intensive treatment programs, and the challenges of mental health care. It was a great chance to talk and connect in a meaningful way. I was also able to open up to another friend over dinner and again make meaningful connection. These conversations also allowed me to find more self acceptance through the acceptance of others and it helped me realize the value in telling my story.
… I’ll follow up with additional posts about the general progress of treatment and the transition back to work.