Alright, another day and more emotions to process from yesterday’s IOP. Here’s what I’ve been feeling.
- First of all, I have felt physically drained and mentally weak since the session. Consequently, I haven’t done much exposure work on my own.
- My OCD is saying “I told you so! I knew this would happen if you let other people into your apartment! You can’t trust any more people to be in your apartment.”
- Speaking of trust… if I’m being totally honest about how I’m feeling, I think I lost a little bit of trust in my IOP team. Maybe this is just my OCD or some other part of me trying to place blame. But there are voices telling me that Dr. Tininenko should have been more sensitive and known not to use the triggering word. After all, it is a word I’ve made clear is highly anxiety inducing. There’s also a voice telling me that the IOP team should have communicated more clearly with each other about my current tolerance level for the word.
- But there is also a voice that is berating myself and saying that I should have been more clear about my tolerance levels. I’m responsible for the way I responded and I should have had more control.
This is what my feeling brain has been telling me.
My thinking brain, on the other hand, is telling me that this was not intentional and that my IOP team has my best interests in mind. They are doing what they can to help me. They’re imperfect people who make mistakes, but they are kind and compassionate. What happened is in the past and can’t be changed. All we can do is learn from it and move forward.
(Sometimes I wish my feeling and thinking brains would just get on the same page already!)