It’s been nearly 3 years since my last entry. Turns out life gets a little busy when you go back to work full time, when your boyfriend moves back in town, and when there’s a global pandemic. Lots of other things to distract me and give me excuses for not blogging (not that I was ever that great about blogging in the first place).
It’s a good time to start writing again though. I need to sort some things out. My OCD therapy has been a little aimless lately. It’s been what one of my former therapists calls whack-a-mole, where we seem to tackle whatever OCD has glommed onto that particular week and since my OCD is constantly evolving we end up focusing on all the new stuff and don’t seem to be getting to the central core, or in OCD-speak, we’re not climbing any higher on the exposure hierarchy.
Last session with Dr. Osborne we talked about this and whether or not our current approach is really the right approach. He posed a question: what is my end goal for treatment? Is it the eradication of all OCD? Is the current level of OCD in my life acceptable? Or do I want to aim for something in between? In other words, how much OCD am I OK with in my life? How much OCD is Jason OK with in our relationship? Frankly these are all questions that should have been guiding our treatment along the way, but after three plus years of therapy and the business of life, I think it’s understandable that we’ve lost a little of our focus. And you know what, that’s ok. I’m seizing this as a good opportunity to reassess and recommit to treatment goals.
So what’s the answer to the question? I’m not sure. It’s still an open question that I’m sorting through. There are definitely things in my life related to my OCD I’d like to see improved. OCD seems to be on an upswing and taking up more and more of my time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still light years ahead of where I was three or four years ago. But I’m starting to see it inflate again. I’m starting to have some of those feelings of frustration and anger again that I thought had gone away. So, I don’t think the current level of OCD is what I want. Maintenance is not the end goal. But I don’t think it’s realistic to eradicate all OCD from my life. There are thought patterns that are so engrained that I don’t know if they will ever change. So I think the end goal is somewhere in between.
But where/what is that in between?That’s what I’m trying to suss out. So, I think my next posts will focus on where I’m at with my OCD, what ways OCD still controls my behavior, and some concrete goals I want to achieve.